• HOW Therapies

Stopping Negative Self Talk

Frissítve: 2019. máj 2.

Do you ever have those days where your quietly bashing yourself, taking the rod to your back, beating yourself, donkey, fool, idiot perhaps you even do it out loud in the village square so to speak, muttering to yourself, well… stop it. Stopping negative self talk is important because, ironically, what the negative self talk endlessly nags on about is not; it serves no purpose but to keep you in that place, the wrong place!

These things are usually learned behavior. A voice from a long time ago ingested, it lied to you and strongly impressed upon you a new idea that you were in fact a dumb ass donkey, that you weren’t allowed to make mistakes and grow.

Old Habits Die Hard

It’s these old habits that are to stop, to change the dialogue and take responsibility, catch ourselves we must and remind ourselves that you came into this world with unlimited potential that from whatever and whoever and from where ever that voice begins, began or has taken root, it may feel familiar but is not your friend, it is a liar.

The Truth and Nothing But

The truth is you have boundless potential a bottomless pit of available energy, a universe made up of accessible energy, that right at this moment as you read this is flowing through you unconsciously, so why not make it consciously, why not tap in, tap into yourself, quieten that poisonous troll, it simply doesn’t belong there.

We have talked and debated here at HOW at length and this is not about delusion or conceit, its not about better than you, its not about pretend or inflated egos its simply about you living the best version of yourself that you can and its right there.

To Serve Others

Somebody once asked the Dalai Lama what is our purpose, he replied “Our prime purpose is to serve others” I like that and I like him. When you do so you are out of your own head. There is peace there when you do and when you are. He also said “To serve others not only to secure their welfare, but also to avoid harming them, is the standard of a meaningful life”

The Receiving End

Not only are we working at that at HOW we have literally served others in restaurants, we have been on the receiving end of extremely bad manners, criticism and hostility. We have observed people supposedly out with friends family or whoever seemingly enjoying absolute misery. We talk about how we approach a table open “feeling” what is going on consciously, some, most are usually pretty happy but others woefully miserable, you wonder what is going on, they are being served with beautiful food, wonderful staff in a beautiful or at least pleasant location and environment. We see and feel the unhappiness. Truly this is suffering, food is not tasted, wine is not experienced, the company is taken for granted, the venue and staff sneered at or patronized, it’s deeply saddening.

Darkness Is Something We All Face

A long time ago when I worked for a market research company in Farringdon London. It was a chilly wet morning I was travelling to work on the underground, the Circle line. It was a Metropolitan carriage, I remember it. I was sat looking around condescendingly, everyone looked ugly and unpleasant. I picked up the free Metro paper I began turning the pages sneering at all the characters in there that day that leapt out at me. I distinctly remember whispering to myself “Its all so damned ugly” I hated them and everybody around me.

I got off the train and made my way to work hating that too, distant from my colleagues who left me bee. But as the afternoon unfolded I began to feel lighter for some reason, it’s just hard I have supposed since to keep that kind of darkness up, but darkness it was

All My Own

On the way home later that afternoon, I got onto an identical carriage at Farringdon station again, I wasn’t consciously thinking at that moment but everyone looked bright. I’d reached down for a Metro newspaper that had been left on the seat where I was going to sit, opened it up and everyone in there looked interesting and bright and colourful. It hit me like a bolt of lightening that it was all me. The darkness and ugliness I had seen earlier was all my own, nothing had changed out there in the material world presented to me, but I had, I had lifted. My own “thoughts’ had poisoned and coloured the world around me and it sure looked a whole lot better on the way home that afternoon.


There are times of course when we will be challenged, when life with come at us unexpectedly with something disturbing but this it seems is how we learn, and I think these things have to be acknowledged, felt and experienced, but in the long run it is always our choice, always our responsibility as to how we feel about it all, and when we catch it, things change, its tough, perhaps, but it can be done and I believe it gets easier like anything with practice

Serve Yourself Well

Stop criticizing yourself for starters, catch yourself. Stop criticizing others your criticisms will derail you, if you don’t like something wish them well on their road to whatever place they are heading in their own minds, tough though it may be, there is truth to it. Encourage others, lift them when you can, reassure them, give them positive feedback it will flow back to you ten fold, serve others in this way and it will serve you well. Practice gratitude and you’ll be right now in the present moment


It goes for yourself too, give yourself a pat on the back now and then, be happy with something you’ve done. I was working up at the Ness restaurant in Shaldon on my first or second week I think it was. I was still getting used to the place, the till, the way things worked where everything was. I’d made quite a few mistakes which were to be honest, to be expected in such a high powered busy and at times overwhelming environment. I’d messed a few orders up, some people were forgiving others were awful and complained bitterly that their fries were late, perhaps it was their steaks, I forget

I even had a bad trip advisor review, personal and vicious. It had begun to make me feel very anxious, it felt like I was out there on my own in many a manic furious situation. As a new staff member, you just jump in and learn on the job.

Stupid Bloke

But it began to wear me down and undermine me. I was muttering to myself “fool, buffoon idiot.” I began to get more and more anxious and so make more mistakes. I’d gone outside to clear tables. As I clear a particular table a man sat there with his family said to me

“Hey you look like that bloke of the telly” I get it a lot.

I’d asked “Oh really, which one”

He’d said “You know you know, that really stupid one”

I was deeply mortified, angry and really stung. I realized he meant funny as I’d been quipping and wise cracking with the guests here and there. I pulled myself in grimaced and then realized as I walked back inside the building that only seconds before I had been the one calling myself stupid and a dumb ass. It seemed something was being brought to my attention, I got it, and it registered with a slap. I stopped the criticism immediately right there and began to say to myself.

“You’re doing ok, you’re learning” and “Well done”

Very Happy, thanks

It took a few minutes but really not that long before I noticed I had very much calmed down, I made less mistakes and pretty soon I was flying along. Whenever people asked how I was I began saying, “I’m very happy thanks” and within the next hour I felt lit up, and in fact felt that the Ness got lit up too.

What are you on?

One or two of the staff asked later “What are you on?” I’d replied “I’m just happy thanks” and really, genuinely, I was. It was a revelation and of course it hasn’t been possible to keep it up to that level of brightness every day, but it has sure made a difference in the work place, I felt so much better, mistakes were and are few and far between, I’m a little forgetful with steak knives and desert spoons, but that’s a whole other blog.


The thing is, being kind to myself seems to have had a knock on effect, other people are forgiving with me too, I’m more relaxed and doing a much better job, the meals that have been ordered arrive on time. When I’m asked and respond in this way to the question as to how I am it seems to be quite provocative and has often been received it seems by subtle jolt in the questioner. It’s a reminder

Dark Stars and Warm Suns

People are their loveable or their miserable selves still, it still jars me to see that there is such unhappiness paraded unconsciously for us all to see, all of it projected outwards onto and into the environment and to those around or who come into orbit of these dark stars. I like to gravitate to the warm nourishing Suns, I’m working on my atmosphere and here at HOW were helping others work on theirs.

There is only one direction to look when stopping negative self talk and that is inward and the only way to look is with honesty. Since opening up the Serenity Centre and doing Hypnotherapy in Exeter I have had the pleasure of joining others on their inward journey; I can say first hand and speak for my patients - Its a path worth taki

Watch and listen to the Guided Self Help Hypnosis "Self acceptance" Meditation with Mick Crudge, Stuart Newman and Hollie Kamel from Entrance

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